I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Randomize
