you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I just had sex on a roof
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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