My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Randomize
