"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
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