I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Randomize
