Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
