Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
It's blow job season.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Randomize
