if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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