i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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