There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
