i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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