Fine. I'll sleep in my office
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
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