I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
Randomize
