so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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