just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Randomize
