If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Randomize
