the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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