Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
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