Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
