We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
ttyl tear gas
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
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