Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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