remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
