I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
