My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
I just gift wrapped bread.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
The adults are the big ones right?
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