You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
