life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
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