were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
I know her cup size but not her name....
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