Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
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