My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize
