do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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