once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Randomize
