How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
Randomize
