apparently the secret to your success is patron
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
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