I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
