Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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