Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
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