OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
I have a number of responses, ranging in content, tone, and maturity. Choose your destiny...
Randomize
