I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
