Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
