walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Randomize
