The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
Randomize
