I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
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