Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
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