i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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