if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
