Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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