so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
