FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
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