sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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