Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
