Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
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